Celebrating ME

It's the first time for me to write while crying. And it's like literally, not gonna lie. You should see my face right now (Gosh, if only I had SKYPE). First, I'm not even half the person you said I am. But for you to say something like that about me on my birthday, it really means huge, huge to me. Today seems like an ordinary day before your post. And I can't help but feeling sad about it. Well, my important people and some others did wish me a happy birthday, but that's it. It started like just any other day, it went just like any other day, I'm afraid it'll end just like any other day and tomorrow will come and it'll be an ordinary day all over again. Then your post popped.

I've stopped holding a birthday party since College. Until High School, I used to have my classmates came over to my house and blew candles and took pictures and all. I had these three girl friends in College and we're planning on doing some circular eating out-and handing birthday gift on each bday, but then before it even got to my birthday, something came up and we just didn't do it. I honestly don't mind not getting fancy party or presents in my birthday. But I don't resent the ceremonial and routine stuff either; make a wish, blow the candles, people singing "Happy Birthday", hands clapping, cut the damn cake, and those all.

Why do we celebrate Birthdays and Anniversaries? Because we want to celebrate a day where something special happened. For me, when you celebrate my birthday, you celebrate me being born to this earth, you celebrate my present, you celebrate my life, my existence. So why can't we have something special on this day? Why can't I do something just because it's my birthday? We only get to celebrate this very day once a year. We only get to blow out the candle, eat the birthday cake, wear the stupid hat, make a special wish, have people congratulating us, once a year. Well we can certainly do it some random day when we feel like it, but you know what I mean. So, when I didn't do anything special today (more cause I have nobody and no time to do it) and no one does special thing for me, it feels like nobody (including me) celebrates my bday. When nobody celebrates my bday, nobody celebrates my existence, nobody celebrates me. I don't exist. Until your post popped.

Like you always said, it might seems like a very unimportant things; remembering someone birthday, congratulating them (and mean it) and celebrating it by doing something special for them. Some perhaps doesn't care about their birthday, they say it only means you have less time on earth or getting old or it's just a date. But for me, it means a lot. There's a reason why I only remember the birthdays of those who's important for me and why I don't congratulate just anyone on their birthdays.

So, I might be too old for birthday party with presents and cake, but I can use some special treat on my birthday. Now you know how much your post means to me. I can't tell you how happy you make me. Today some important people in my life remember the day I was born, the very first day of my existence, she celebrates it by writing (too) good things about me and (I half hoping, half believing) she means it. Thank you for making this day not-just-any-other-day, thank you for celebrating my birthday, thank you for celebrating me. Thank you. You know why I love you.


To Nessa (happy?),
On my bday,
A.


PS:
I never call you Nessa before, 'cause to me you are Nurul.

PPS:
Autistic individual may refer to some objects (people or things) by their own-created name.You do the math (smirk).

Letter to "N"

When I write this letter, I know for sure that you're already in UK. This was meant to be one of those handwritten letters that said "Don't read me until you already in the plane". Since I didn't see you at the airport, here I am typing the letter instead. We are in different continent now, different timezone, and that's making me sad. I'm not good at goodbyes, cause it always suck when you have to be apart from those you love, no matter what the reason is. When my friends leave, it almost feel like someone just broke up with me -and working at the firm with a high employee turn-over, believe me, I've been experiencing it a lot recently-. But loving someone also means that you want them to be happy and to live the best life, for these reasons, I wanna say that I'm happy for you. You so much deserve this.

I don't know if you already knew this, but I don't say something unless I mean it. When one of my classmate gets married, people wrote on her FB page, "Happy Wedding, I'm so happy for you etc atc". Being me, I wrote, "Happy Wedding, have a long-lasting marriage". It's actually just a simple matter, but if I'm not happy for that girl -neither do I feel sad, of course-, so why do I have to write so? If her wedding got nothing to do with my happiness, why should I say so? You know I'm strange. I never hate people, I either love them or simply don't care. I like my cat more than I like most people. But you are not one of the "most people".

It's silly how I always think of Isya as the pretty one, Immy as the smart one and you as the kind one. You are so sincere, generous and pure that being around you make me innocent. You are so much more than you give yourself credit for, you are funny, smart, and talented. You have no idea how your present is literally a present to me. The way it's making me calm just after sharing my anxiety to you, even before you say those magic words, "Don't worry Kak, it's gonna be ok". When I choose a friend -well, when my heart does-, I prefer the one that can make me happy. I mean, what's the point of being friends when whatever happens to them doesn't concern you or that you don't give a damn if they are happy or sad. The fact that you are there now, experiencing great stuff, discovering the world, exploring new things, and most important, -being happy- is adding some sugar to my happiness bucket. Even though if you were a drop out, homeless (let's hope not), or a garbage woman, as long as you are happy, then I'll be happy too because spending time with you (watching movies, talking, shopping, eating out, even studying) and having you in my life already meant so much to me. Though I might not text you often enough or call you properly, do know that you always be in my prayer.

So when I'm asking you how's it like up there, how's your day, how's your new friends,that means I really wanna know how's your life there so that I can picture it, and somehow that makes me feel close to you. I will never ask those questions just to be polite or anything. You know the other thing that I like about you is how you seem to know me more than I know my self. Remember when you made me walk pass the sacred trees in Jogja main square? At first, I was hating it, but after I did it, I was so glad that you made me so. Or another time when we were chatting, you just said something I wanted to hear and sometimes things that struck me and made me think about it all night. I remember the earliest time in our college, you'll text me while you're waiting for public transportation or when you're sick about something, just out of the blue. Those random-sometimes-unimportant things totally made my day. I know you said, "It's the little and simplest things that we'll miss the most". And I also love it when we get the jokes from "A Walk to Remember" and laugh at the same time. Your Korean movies aren't that bad either, though. I love you for that. You are one of the few people that I'm lucky enough to met.

Well, I hope that you'll have a remarkable year and who knows maybe you can continue your doctorate there while I'm saving some money here. The two of us together in Jogja is one thing, but the two of us together in England is completely another. Enjoy your time there, you earned this and you worked hard for this. Be well, be happy, I always wish that Allah grants what's best for you whatever you do, wherever you are, in every circumstances.

I love you and I'll be missing you,
"A".

Living and Loving Life

I like my live. Well,I don't actually have any other choices here, do I? It's my life after all, my one and only. Even though I stop living it, life will go on by its own and it won't wait for me to tag along. And I like to think that life is both a privilege and a duty. I could've been one of those failed sperms or infertile eggs, but I was successfully born to this earth instead. Since I was born, I have one huge duty to live the life that I was given and when I live it wholeheartedly (like I should), I'll get the privilege of having the life it self. Complicated? What I'm saying is, only when I live this life to the fullest that I'll be happy, otherwise it's gonna be a lifetime nightmare.

In order to live happily ever after, I must have purpose that I like to call a dream. And when I think about this life, I picture my self riding a horse (since it's the only thing I can ride so far). So I have a horse, maybe not the most beautiful one, neither the strongest. But it doesn't matter as long as we like each other. I get on this horse and we can't just be there 'cause it means that I will waste this horse of mine. Therefore the two of us will need to go somewhere and I decided that we should go to the mountain, because a horse can't decide. Apparently, the journey to the mountain will take almost forever. But I believe as long as I can make this horse take me there, we'll get there eventually. On our way, we might stumble, fall, get lost and don't know where to go. Even so, all we have to do is keep going with our journey.
Somewhere in between, I might forget and loosen my grip on the horse so it'll wonder away from the path. Then, I'll need to pull my self together and lead its way back before we stray too far. It's okay to take a rest for a while when we are tired, it's also okay for us to enjoy the ride while we are on it. I will stop to watch the sunset and to marvel at the field of flowers we find on the way. I will sit under the tree for a while and look up at the stars at night as if they're not that far away. For it's in the beauty and joy of these little things that the happiness lies. We may find traveller like us along the ride, they may have to leave us but they may also stay. Perhaps,their short or long company are really meant to be that way.
At the end, I don't know whether we're going to make it to that mountain I initially wanted to be at. We just have to try everything we can to reach it, but if we're faced with a dead-end or my horse's getting old and weary, then we'll have to find another destination. Who knows the dead-end might actually lead us to the more beautiful place. I was having fun on the journey, I was making friend with other travellers and I was treating my horse like it deserved. There's nothing to regret anyway.

I so love living. What I love the most about it are the endless possibilities, the not-knowing and the little things. Everyday I wake up without knowing exactly what'll happen that day and just give it to the life to surprise me. Like an old friend texted me out-of-the-blue just wanting to say hello. Or I was on the bus in Jakarta when I looked out the window and saw a durian tree (which borne fruits!) on somebody's yard and that totally made my day. Another time, I smelled some familiar fragrance when I was waiting for my bus at the bus shelter and that triggered a very wonderful warm feeling. These are the little things I appreciate so much and only when I give my self a chance to enjoy it that I'll notice. I know that I can't experience things like riding a horse, seeing the snowfall, jumping from a diving board, being asked to dance or getting a dozens of roses everyday, but the first time experiences always miraculous. Stuff like reading a good book for the first time or having a second thought about something aren't less amazing at all. It was two years ago when I decided that I don't hate summer. I was already living for 22 years and I was certain that I resent sunny day. The gigantic blue sky was intimidating and not to mention the sweat and all. But that day, after doing some laundry, I sat on the bench under a tree, I spreaded my arms and laid my head back, I closed my eyes and suddenly I drifted away to the back porch of 360 Windsor Dr in Papillion. It was an August afternoon, I sat on a chair under the canopy with my bare feet on the table. The wind was blowing my hair, a glass of lemonade on the table, the sound of woodpecker on the tree trunk and squirrels chasing each other. Then I realised, summer isn't that bad after all.

Life is difficult sometimes. I don't always get what I want and things don't always like the way I planned. I make mistakes and take wrong decisions 'cause I'm imperfect. Yet I believe as long as I know my purposes and remember what's important, I'll be just fine. It's incredible that I can be whatever I want, go wherever I want and do everything I want. It's really up to me. To keep doing what I care about and what makes me happy are really important. To know that I'm not alone, to love and to be loved are also important. But I think the most important are to be me, to be happy and help others be happy.

How did I get here?

"I don't even have time to breathe!". Saya sering sekali berkata demikian kepada diri sendiri beberapa tahun belakangan ini. Kalo dipikir-pikir, kata2 tersebut memang agak exaggerating, kalo gak sempat napas gak mungkin masih hidup dunkz. Tapi yah, hidupnya gitu2 aja, not that I'm not being grateful about it. Saya sebenarnya takut, takut sekali menjadi manusia yang kufur nikmat. But still, I'm only human and sometimes I'm complaining.

Semua ini dimulai di semester akhir kuliahan. So, I do know exactly how I get here. Di tahun akhir kuliah, saya cuma punya satu aim, yaitu bagaimana bisa lulus cum laude. Untung aja di semester 8, saya cuma punya satu mata kuliah ditambah skripsi. Hidup masih normal ketika itu, setelah kurang lebih empat bulan mengurus skripsi, skripsi pun rampung (walau saya tidak terlalu bangga dengan hasilnya). Skripsi selesai, langsung seminar, seminar selesai, langsung kompre. Ujian mata kuliah yang satu itupun harus dipercepat sehingga nilainya bisa diserahkan ke jurusan dan saya boleh diijinkan utk ikut kompre. Kenapa? Karena saya harus tanda tangan kontrak kerja bulan Juli dan akan sangat risky kalo saya tidak ikut kompre gelombang pertama yang diadakan akhir Juni itu. Kadang saya merasa, apakah saya ini bukan sarjana karbitan?
Anyway, Thanks God, sayapun lulus kompre (dengan nilai tertinggi,saya sendiri heran). Tapi,selalu ada tapi. Selesai kompre, saya harus mengurus ini itu buat persiapan hijrah ke Jakarta. Walhasil, waktu satu bulan resmi dihabiskan untuk mengurus kelulusan di kampus dan kebutuhan pindah. Anyway, I did become a cum laude graduate.

Jadi mungkin saya sedang mengalami shock, tapi kenapa sudah setahun shocknya gak hilang2? Jangan2 saya berharap bisa jadi pengangguran dulu setelah lulus instead of ditungguin kerjaan? Astaghfirullah. Kadang2 saya merasa sedang ketinggalan kereta, saya bisa melihat kereta itu pergi menjauhi saya, tapi tidak bisa melakukan apa2 untuk mencegahnya. Every single day, I'm living my life without even being in the moment. Ini bikin sedih banget. I used to be someone who did a lot of stuff at the same time. Masih ingat masa2 SMA dulu yang setiap minggunya penuh dg kegiatan ekskul dari KIR, Rohis, Mading, sampai Bengkel Seni. Jadi kalo dibilang saya gak biasa sibuk, I do like to be busy actually. Cuma sekarang ini, sibuknya ya cuma satu, K.E.R.J.A. Jadi, saya sebel krn I didn't get anything done except my work.
Dari pagi sampe sore, dari Senin sampe Jumat (kadang2 Sabtu) saya harus ke kantor atau ke klien. Duduk di depan komputer atau inquiry klien. Trus kenapa emang? Memangnya ada yang aneh dan gak biasa soal rutinitas ini? Enggak sih, tapi kadang during weekdays saya sangat menanti-nantikan yang namanya weekend, tapi giliran weekend nya datang, saya cuma tengkurep di atas ranjang sambil buka laptop atau tidur sekalian. Eh, gak kerasa udah senin lagi. Sial.

Kerjaan di kantor sebenarnya tidak menuntut saya untuk sibuk all the time. Ada juga masa2 nganggur atau low season yang berkisar antara bulan May hingga Agustus. Tapi dasar manusia yang gak pernah puas, kalo lagi peak season yang tiap harinya bisa pulang pagi dan Sabtu juga ngantor, I was looking forward for the low season to come already. Saking gak kuatnya lembur, di kantor malam2 pikiran udah mulai dihantui hasrat ingin tidur. Waktu low season datang, gantian rasa bosan gak ketulungan yang menghadang. Bayangin, duduk di kantor 8 jam sehari gak ngapa2in. Karena udah kebiasaan tidur 3 jam sehari waktu peak season, ketika low season saya jadi insomnia. Kalo udah tidur 3 jam, saya pasti kebangun dan gak bisa tidur lagi. Aduh. Jadilah siangnya uring2an gak jelas. Padahal waktu yg sgt bnyk ini bs saya manfaatkan utk melalukan hal2 yg saya ingin lakukan, tapi saking "sibuk"nya uring2an, malah gak ada satupun yg kesampaian.

So, harus berhenti kerja gitu biar bisa happy? Ya gak se-ekstrim itu juga mungkin. Kerjaan apapun akan menuntut kita buat profesional dan bersikap layaknya orang dewasa (gak kekanak2an kayak saya yang kalo udah gak bisa fokus jadi pengen terjun dari lantai 8 aja). So it's not the job, it's me. Sebenarnya saya tau apa yang bisa saya lakukan hanya kadang tidak punya cukup energi (atau kemauan) untuk melakukannya. Saya sering punya rencana, "Wah, Sabtu ini pengen ke Starbucks ah, ngopi sambil baca2 atau browsing2", atau "Hari Minggu ini mau nulis email ah buat Georgie (yg udah satu tahun gak saya emailin,dasar kualat)". Tapi ya itu, sampai sekarang belum terwujud.

It's a lonely life that I have here. Lho? Zaman kuliahan saya juga sering nyampe rumah kesorean, ngiter2 gak jelas bentar langsung tidur, bangun kesiangan trus buru2 ke kampus, weekend di rumah doang (di kamar doang malah), tapi saya gak sebel. Karena di sela itu2 saya bisa ngobrol2 sama papa, ngusilin adek2, ketawa2 gede. Sementara sekarang, pulang kerja gak ada yg nungguin, suasana kamar kosan hening, telat gak ada yg bangunin, gak ada yg nyuruh makan, nyuruh mandi (ups). Makanya saya jadi gak living in the moment. Beberapa bulan yg lalu, tekad saya adalah bagaimana supaya bulan Agustus bisa dtg secepatnya, karena saya akan mudik Lebaran bulan itu,hehe. Jadi, setiap hari saya habiskan dengan menyilangi kalendar dan kalo ada hal tidak mengenakkan yang terjadi, saya bergumam, "Gak papa, bentar lagi Agustus". Dan walaupun saya berada di rumah selama tiga minggu, tetap saja itu tidak cukup dan saya harus balik ke Jakarta. Sekarang krn saya Insyaallah akan mudik lg di bulan Desember, hal ini menjadi, "Gak papa, bentar lagi Desember". Lalu apakah saya hanya hidup 3 minggu dalam setahun itu saja? Sampai kapan saya akan begini? Walaupun saya sangat bahagia ketika berkumpul bersama keluarga saya di rumah, saya juga ingin bahagia ketika tidak bersama mereka di sini. Ugh, kenapa harus serumit ini sih untuk menjadi orang dewasa? Sepertinya weekend ini saya harus benar2 ke Starbucks.

11 Sept 2012